The thing is, I don't feel it all that much any more. But I can explain. Because it will come back. It's just a matter of time.
Numb envy & bitterness, or NEB as I like to call it, is the feeling you get when your jealousy is just beyond any limits and you're not even having the power to feel it.
It usually happens when you keep seeing a cute couple that you first just envy, thinking like, "damn why cannot it ever be me finding true love instead of all these other people". The point is to keep seeing. So basically this is a couple that you know. One of them might be your best friend or your sister, for example.
And as I already told, first you go through envy. Then you become bitter. To me, this happens rather quickly, because I already happen to be bitter enough to hate even the slightest sight of a happy couple.
But then the weirdest thing happens over time: numbness.
You're no Duracell bunny. You run out of power.
This is when NEB comes in. You know you still have the envy and bitterness inside you, but you don't even bother express it, because somewhere deep inside you know it's not going to help anyway. So you just go numb. You might not even cry any more, pointless as it would be.
And the best part is, given nice circumstances (say, the sun is shining and you get a great summerjob and things seem all so splendid), you might even begin to actually feel happy for someone.
More than just saying, "oh my dear friend/sister, I'm so happy you found true love and now live happily ever after". More than that: as much as even being honest while saying that.
For the first time in years, I've almost felt some sparks of what someday hopefully will be a fire of pure happiness for the happiness of others. Maybe it won't burn my heart - or hopefully it will so that I wouldn't need to feel the desperation EVER AGAIN - who knows? Right now I just feel like it's a great blessing that some people that are important to me have found their other halves. I'm happy for them, I really really am. Do you hear me? Because if you do, well, it's you I'm talking about (supposing that you are important to me and have found love, otherwise this isn't the case and I'm not addressing you when I ask if you hear me).
So now I'm balancing between NEB and happiness, and I've even gone so far I've decided I'd rather my co-blogger would start dating than I.
You heard me.
And now, let us treat ourselves to a nice little song that so well reflects my feelings:
This comment has been removed by the author.
ReplyDeleteI did something interesting with my previous comment. What a shitty blogger.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, I totally love that song. And the rest of this post, how interesting! Are you growing up or what?
You deleted it, I think.
DeleteI'd like to grow up but I think that even though I'm growing all the time it does not always go upwards. And finally I'll find I've learned absolutely nothing.