We need to go deeper

'I have no one. My ears have each other and my nostrils have each other and my eyes have each other but my head has no one.'

This was said by my little sister, 7 years old, and of course she didn't mean anything too deep with it. But I wrote it down because it sure as hell described how I feel. My head has no one.

My other sister is beginning to learn English, word by word. She saw some sentence with the word 'I' in it and she, having learned some phrases on some stickers or cards or t-shirts or something like that, commented, 'I don't know what 'I' means when there isn't 'love' after it.' This, too, was something I considered deeper than it was meant. I guess I have no idea of who I am outside of the things and people that I love, and thus I'd find more of me if I had someone to love.

Going through an existential crisis. I feel like I want to feel something. I want to want something. I want to get excited and become alive. But try as I might, I fail in my attempts to pursue any kind of goal, and also, I fail to set goals as I lack a direction.

.

Happy Never-Gonna-Be-A-Mother's Day To Me!!

My birthday is in January, my name day is in April. Ain't it brilliant to know that I will never be celebrated in May!

Oh let's get real. It's fucking depressing. But at least my hair looks nice today because my lil' sister did it. Yay.

I Will

Will Schuester with a fedora. 
I VOLUNTEER


That, my dear followers, is the current state of my social/sexual life.

If I lived in a bigger city and there would be a territorial magazine or something, I could go all Carrie Bradshaw and write my own column. It'd be called "No sex and the city".

People would actually love to read it, because it'd be closer to their real lives than the Carrie one.


Yeah, but seriously talking, dudes: Will Schuester with a fedora. And all his vests. I'm thinking developing OCD (on my way anyway) and bambi eyes (with these Furby eyes this is a very, very distant dream) just to get to him. I mean, it's not like I didn't realize he was fictional. He just happens to be the perfect incarnation of one of my favourite types of men.


Also, I currently am not having any love interest toward any person in this town. (Not that I had had more than slight ones before, though.) This simultaneously feels freeing and depressing.


Now I'm off to watch some more Glee. Will Schuester could show me some New Directions anytime, if you know what I mean...

On inner beauty

So I just thought, why not spit this out already as I don't seem to bother going to any of my weekly Tuesday activities today.

I've been wanting to discuss some 'motivational', 'encouraging' clichés that we old maids meet all the time. And this time I've chosen the following:

"Oh, dear, of course you'll find someone. After all, it's the inner beauty that matters!"

If you're anything like me, you've heard this. Several times. And it contains so much material to be upset about I can hardly even decide which part to handle first.

Does the sayer see the implicit statement that they think my physical appearance is unpleasant? Because it is there and I see it. Otherwise they wouldn't tell me to count on inner beauty.

Also, whoever says this actually says they don't even recognize the possibility that the reason I'm upset and the reason I think is why I'm alone could be dealing with anything else than, again, physical appearance. So they admit thinking I'm very shallow.

Guess what. I don't think I'm alone because I looked like Quasimodo or something. I'm not good-looking, yeah, but on most days I'm not ridiculously ugly, either. And I know for sure there's less pleasant-looking people than me in happy relationships. So that is just a minor part of my problem.

The real problem is:

I. DO. NOT. HAVE. THAT. GODDAMN. INNER. BEAUTY.

If you really knew me you'd know I'm:
- complicated
- bitter
- negative
- chronically anxious and stressed out
- non-vigilant
- non-moderate
- the writer of some really weird fanfiction (siriusly, you have no idea)
- full of jealousy
- uncapable of many ordinary social feelings or situations
- et cetera

In conclusion, I am as ugly inside as possible.

Let's take a rerun of that encouraging comment.

"Oh, dear, of course you'll find someone. After all, it's the inner beauty that matters!"

By this far, you will notice that this comments works pretty much as well as if you told Pocahontas: "Oh, dear, of course John Smith will fall in love with you. After all, all that matters is being naturally blonde and speaking fluent English!"

I have another metaphor in mind, too. I really attempt to make my point.

Imagine you're baking a cake. Then the cake gets a bit stuck in the cake mold, and parts of it get ripped of, and the cake ends up looking slightly uglier than it should've been but in your opinion still totally eatable. Then your friend comes along, thinking you're disappointed because you've ruined the cake, and tells, "Oh, dear, don't be disappointed - it's the taste that matters!" And you, well, you know that you'd run out of sugar so you've added in two desilitres of salt instead. The cake is doomed to taste horrid.

So, I don't want or need your friendly pats on my shoulder. All I want is to grow old enough to make everyone say, "Oh, dear, I must admit, you were right after all. You will be forever alone. I think I owe you shitloads of stuff because I was so wrong I bet on this several times."

Because I, as always, am right.

No point in making up a title

So pretty. Just like my thoughts.

Except... I think there's something I've forgotten...

Got it! It's not my thoughts! There's no one there to me! Like there's never been! I'm just as alone as I've always been!

Right. That's it. Back to desperation, then, I guess.

Btw. I've been thinking of inner beauty lately. There's something that pisses me off. If you stay tuned, you'll be hearing some whining quite soon.

Tired wobbling 'n stuff

I've realized I pretty much suck at giving relationship advice.

I thought I was good at it. I was planning on writing a fucking manual about relationships. But nowadays I've found out I just don't see when something's not meant to be or even when a friend clearly hides a new relation.

Maybe it's because I've never experienced all that stuff myself. And never will. Sigh. So I will skip that writing project, then, and move on to maybe finally someday writing an actual book about something real. Or more like, something irreal. I don't like real things any more. They don't appeal to me. I like to live in a fantasy, or several. I like to live in random fandoms.

And as I also said to a friend, I'm somehow lucky not to have anybody special, because for my friends I make creative gifts and surprises, but if I had a partner, an increasing amount of my so-called surprises would include me naked and nothing else. That's not too creative, I'll tell you. So, in order to become a writer and a better friend, I guess I just need to be an old maid. That's God's plan, folks. That's how it's meant to be.

But it's not like it didn't hurt any more, though. It sure as hell does.

I guess this post was slightly messy and difficult to figure out but I won't care because hey, who even reads this anyway... :D

Luv, Miia

PS. I passed my derby time trials. Dudes, my thighs are made of steel. Top that.

Envy

Wikipedia, in its article on "envy", states:

Envy (also called invidiousness) is best defined as a resentful emotion that "occurs when a person lacks another's (perceived) superior quality, achievement, or possession and -- desires it --."

If I used categories in this blogs, this would be a great example of what the posts under the category "envy" would contain.



I know it's lovely. I know it's cute.

And it breaks my heart. You know why, dudes.

Relationship news...

... that's a thing that everyone else seems to have but I never do.

I'd like to be happy to see a facebook friend being "in a relationship with Someone Perfect" or getting married or whatever, but really, it just annoys the shit out of me to see that stuff. I swear, I get sad for the rest of the day or even several days when I get this kind of a reminder of the fact that people will keep pairing up until I'm the only one left.

This hamster is here to distract me from my own desperation.

Btw, I guess I've gained some extra weight again. Was thinking, if I stop caring about what I look like, then there is no one left to care. So plump it is.

Food tastes nice.

And I'm still convinced my studying motivation problems last spring were due to the complete dazzlement about for the first time in my life actually having boobs (thanks to all the overeating).

This pug is here because I love pugs
and also because it reflects well my feelings.

NEBbing around

I distinctly remember promising to talk more about numb envy & bitterness.

The thing is, I don't feel it all that much any more. But I can explain. Because it will come back. It's just a matter of time.

Numb envy & bitterness, or NEB as I like to call it, is the feeling you get when your jealousy is just beyond any limits and you're not even having the power to feel it.

It usually happens when you keep seeing a cute couple that you first just envy, thinking like, "damn why cannot it ever be me finding true love instead of all these other people". The point is to keep seeing. So basically this is a couple that you know. One of them might be your best friend or your sister, for example.

And as I already told, first you go through envy. Then you become bitter. To me, this happens rather quickly, because I already happen to be bitter enough to hate even the slightest sight of a happy couple.

But then the weirdest thing happens over time: numbness.

You're no Duracell bunny. You run out of power.

This is when NEB comes in. You know you still have the envy and bitterness inside you, but you don't even bother express it, because somewhere deep inside you know it's not going to help anyway. So you just go numb. You might not even cry any more, pointless as it would be.

And the best part is, given nice circumstances (say, the sun is shining and you get a great summerjob and things seem all so splendid), you might even begin to actually feel happy for someone.

More than just saying, "oh my dear friend/sister, I'm so happy you found true love and now live happily ever after". More than that: as much as even being honest while saying that.

For the first time in years, I've almost felt some sparks of what someday hopefully will be a fire of pure happiness for the happiness of others. Maybe it won't burn my heart - or hopefully it will so that I wouldn't need to feel the desperation EVER AGAIN - who knows? Right now I just feel like it's a great blessing that some people that are important to me have found their other halves. I'm happy for them, I really really am. Do you hear me? Because if you do, well, it's you I'm talking about (supposing that you are important to me and have found love, otherwise this isn't the case and I'm not addressing you when I ask if you hear me).

So now I'm balancing between NEB and happiness, and I've even gone so far I've decided I'd rather my co-blogger would start dating than I.

You heard me.

And now, let us treat ourselves to a nice little song that so well reflects my feelings:

Inspirational story

Hello! Tonight I'm feeling pathetic. 

Depressed.

Extremely desperate. 

Just to avoid talking about the sad fact that I'm pissed off because someone doesn't seem to have any difficulties with going to sleep without having a conversation with me first or wishing good night, I'm telling you one more reason why we would make perfect wives:

We had pizza for late breakfast. Self-made! How about that!

I have actually another reason to be upset tonight. You see, I have learned that at least here where I live it's a rule that the cheapest fruits are the tastiest as well.
You can probably imagine the disappointment when I came back home with those amazingly cheap grapes and found out that the taste was. Awful. So bad that I had to throw them away.
Sigh. 

 I'm totally going to be childish and pity myself all night long.

  

Ps. Dear co-blogger, check this:

  Dammit.