"i love it! it reminds me of you." (said a friend)

A way out?

I just need a hug.

Someone to make me feel safe, someone to take care of me, someone who'd promise it's going to be allright

because today, once again, I'm back in the dark place inside my chest and don't seem to find a way out.

Wedding ideas

Occasionally, I come up with incredibly great ideas about my imaginary never-to-actually-become-reality wedding.

Yesterday, I got this idea that instead of a horse carriage, I and my husband could use a tortoise carriage, drawn by a giant turtle. And the reception could be just around the corner from the church, but it'd still take, like, hours for us to get there because the turtle would be so goddamn slow! Wouldn't that be hilarious! No one could start eating or anything before we'd get there! And they'd just be angry and awkward!

Also, what about telling about the wedding so cryptically that hardly any guest would actually find their way there?

Or what if everyone should tattoo our names on their chest in order to get in? To make sure every guest actually loves us enough to deserve a place in the festivities? Now I'm just coming up with these ideas as I write. And I never run out of them!

Also, wouldn't it be awesome if the ceremony would begin with some show wrestling, and the announcer would announce that as a prize, the winners will be getting married - and then it'd be plotted so that we'd win and then as winners we'd walk down the aisle.

And they'd play The Imperial March instead of the basic wedding marches. Or then just some unbelievably awkward song. Maybe even Nyan Cat. Wouldn't that make us walk faster.

My long-lived dream has also been that instead of throwing rice, everyone would throw cheetos on us newlyweds.

I don't even get why I ain't getting married. Why don't anyone want to make use of these great wedding ideas with their original planner? I mean, go fuck your american rustique vintage dream castle. Maybe I should begin a career as a wedding planner. With all these awesome ideas, I'd figure I'd do pretty well, maybe even well enough to be able to marry someone who wants to marry my money.

wtf

Is it sad to feel like I might just be in OKCUPID ENEMIES if only I used said date site?

Plus, the deeper I go with my thoughts of dating, the more unsure I am whether I even could handle that shit. I mean, at the same time I'm utmost dependant and extremely anti-social. This leads to weird situations, people. This leads to being weird and isolated by choice - both my own choice and that of the public.

I clearly don't seem to find anything legitimate to say so I'll just end this tragicomic post here.

An open letter to my co-blogger

Hello, Ling.

As much I love our desperate conversations and how you always are there to listen to my angst, I have grown to understand that you'd rather be in a relationship with a nice guy than spending time with me being all angsty and stuff.

At the same time, I know you for some weird reason seem to like me as a person. Thus, I figured, maybe you should just find a guy who shares some of my good characteristics but not any of the unwanted ones. So what about a deal: next time I see someone who resembles me a little bit in a good way but also seems balanced, I tell you about it and you can go ahead and get to know that person?

Then you could think you basically are spending time with me, and not feel guilty at all for not actually spending time with me.

So I just saw this person who has a jacket that is remarkably similar to mine and who wears his hair the same way as I do. But, contradictory to my case, he might actually be social and nice. Who knows, anyway. Go get him. Or someone else. Whatever.

With Love,
Yours Truly

PS. Please do not welcome this advice. It would be super creepy. Like, extra super creepy. And I could not come to your wedding or anything, because it would just be so creepy. Please just try and find someone who is as far from me as possible. (That also increases the possibility of you having a happy marriage.)

"I think I will"

This post is all about that picture and I'm certain that if I ever tried online dating I'd end up on OKCUPID ENEMIES or something like that.


PS. Okay gotta tell you this. A 35+ drunken man tried to talk to me at a bar around 3 am after being turned down by a dazzling colleague of mine. So basically, that's the most male interest I've got, like, ever.
Anyhow, I wasn't quite that desperate...

idon'teven

Hey world,


are you fucking serious with this shit?????

Let me tell you what: every-damned-one else is finding someone these days. And when I say everyone I mean all the universally friendzoned guys and even sixty-something relatives. I mean everyone but me. SERIOUSLY.

You have no goddamned idea of what it feels like to be an adult and have as much relationship experience as an average 7-year-old.

NO ONE has ever looked at me like I was the most important thing in the world. NO ONE has ever turned to see me another time. NO ONE has ever noticed I exist. NO ONE has ever liked my smile, or my laugh, or anything I say.

I'm the friendzoned girl, except that I even am outside the friendzone. I'm not in any zone.

You. Have. No. Fucking. Idea.


...and I just don't get what the big deal is, what is so wrong with me, because most days when I look in the mirror I don't look that bad, okay I might not comb my hair daily and I don't wear makeup and I'm not thin, but some days I look good, so it's not only about looks, and thus it must be about me being a horrible person.

I don't get it

fuck you

We need to go deeper

'I have no one. My ears have each other and my nostrils have each other and my eyes have each other but my head has no one.'

This was said by my little sister, 7 years old, and of course she didn't mean anything too deep with it. But I wrote it down because it sure as hell described how I feel. My head has no one.

My other sister is beginning to learn English, word by word. She saw some sentence with the word 'I' in it and she, having learned some phrases on some stickers or cards or t-shirts or something like that, commented, 'I don't know what 'I' means when there isn't 'love' after it.' This, too, was something I considered deeper than it was meant. I guess I have no idea of who I am outside of the things and people that I love, and thus I'd find more of me if I had someone to love.

Going through an existential crisis. I feel like I want to feel something. I want to want something. I want to get excited and become alive. But try as I might, I fail in my attempts to pursue any kind of goal, and also, I fail to set goals as I lack a direction.

.

Happy Never-Gonna-Be-A-Mother's Day To Me!!

My birthday is in January, my name day is in April. Ain't it brilliant to know that I will never be celebrated in May!

Oh let's get real. It's fucking depressing. But at least my hair looks nice today because my lil' sister did it. Yay.

I Will

Will Schuester with a fedora. 
I VOLUNTEER


That, my dear followers, is the current state of my social/sexual life.

If I lived in a bigger city and there would be a territorial magazine or something, I could go all Carrie Bradshaw and write my own column. It'd be called "No sex and the city".

People would actually love to read it, because it'd be closer to their real lives than the Carrie one.


Yeah, but seriously talking, dudes: Will Schuester with a fedora. And all his vests. I'm thinking developing OCD (on my way anyway) and bambi eyes (with these Furby eyes this is a very, very distant dream) just to get to him. I mean, it's not like I didn't realize he was fictional. He just happens to be the perfect incarnation of one of my favourite types of men.


Also, I currently am not having any love interest toward any person in this town. (Not that I had had more than slight ones before, though.) This simultaneously feels freeing and depressing.


Now I'm off to watch some more Glee. Will Schuester could show me some New Directions anytime, if you know what I mean...