Do as I say!!

"I was beginning to wonder when someone would have you!"
- my 10-year-old sister, innocently


No one would have me. I would have no one. I wanted a perfect match even though I was completely sure it could not exist.

Please do follow my lead. It will prove worth it. In the meantime, do cool stuff. Be the ultimate version of yourself. Basically, imagine what your life would look like if you had a relationship - how you would love yourself and look good and eat better and spend lazy afternoons listening to music and eating ice cream and somehow magically suddenly win at life. And then live that life. Well, not the relationship part yet. But it will come along.

Yeah I know, reality is the fucked-up version of what I just described. Those lazy afternoons might be spent eating a gallon of ice cream in one sitting, while hiding in your bed, crying your heart out. Been there, done that. If not literally that, at least something similar. I am more into Cheetos. But they are not as cool as ice cream, both streetwise and literally, so I made it sound more relatable by adding some B&J (not the blowjob kind).

However - try being happy. No amount of relationship life will heal you if you haven't started the process by yourself. Accept your life as it is. Face it. How could anything change if you are not fully aware of the current situation? OMG I am turning into Dr Phil.

I just woke up (had a nap from 8 to 9 pm) and it's goddamn hot in here (I strongly dislike summer) and I did not intend to blog today. This will hopefully explain the brevity and inconsistence of this blog post. Have a nice evening.

The Anatomy of a Kiss

It's weird, that thing people do with their lips. They take them close to each other's and then supposedly feel good about it. And magically ignore bad breath, feelings of suffocation and height difference related neck pain.

Kissing did not come naturally to me. It was not an instinct. When I realized the guy I was non-dating (see previous post) was going to kiss me I was terribly confused and basically just waited for it to happen so that it would be over for me to analyze.

See, my previous lip-on-lip experience had taken place years ago and been completely non-sexual in nature. So this was basically my first kiss, at the sweet age of 21.

It would be logical to have been taken by surprise by the situation but luckily enough, I was warned beforehand. This did not make me prepared enough to actually answer the kiss. I would rather just hang around like a dead something-that-is-dead.

Kissing is was so weird.
"Good weird or bad weird?"
"Just... weird."

At first, it tastes like cold lips and saliva. To those of you who have never experienced any kind of lip contact I would like to propose an experiment to demonstrate what it is like to an unaccustomed person.

1. Open your mouth.
2. All the while reflecting on what you are doing and sensing, slowly move your lower lip closer to your upper lip.
3. Press your lips together, feeling each one with the other.
4. That's about it.

As I am a classy lady, I kept asking questions like, "Aren't you bothered by the squelching?" (I sure were.) I can warmly recommend discussing everything even mildly related. Be stupid. Ask for and give instructions. More teeth? Less teeth? How could anyone guess these things? Talk. Constantly.

What am I trying to say, after all? 

Kissing is a craft that requires training to master.

Eventually, a kiss will begin to taste like please kiss me again.

That's where the fun begins... Go have it.