During the holidays, I read The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling. In it, I did find this quote:
She had fancied Andrew Price once, before she realized that she was utterly unfit to fancy anyone; before she realized that she was laughable and strange.
This feeling is what I feel like I need to talk about.
It's most probably not something you feel occasionally, or something that comes and goes. It's something that you develop quite early on in your life and then carry around as an exhaustingly heavy piece of emotional baggage.
When I was a kid, I was no one's crush. I had crushes, and they laughed at me if they found out. This made me believe I was, well, 'unfit to fancy anyone -- laughable and strange'.
This is the most horrible thing one can believe: that you do not deserve love. God I wish I never got into this shit because I'll tell you, it's almost impossible to get out of that sea of despair after spending so many years on the edge of drowning, even if someone now throws a rope at you and screams, 'you're not laughable, and your strangeness is enchanting'.
I am a woman but I've never really thought that I could count as one in the eyes of others. Not only because I have these manly-kind-of-wide shoulders, hardly any bust and a Ridge Forrester typed chin. More like, I'm not a valid woman because I haven't been... validated by others' acceptance, I guess. Let's take an example. Every once in a while, my eyes come across articles that tell about studies of how often men think of sex or whether they imagine doing it with every woman they encounter. Each and every time I'm bound to think: yeah right, men think of having sex with every woman they meet, except me 'cause I don't count.
And not counting has always made it hard for me to for example tell my friends about my crushes. I just can't open up about a cute guy when I think everyone would (at least secretly in their minds but possibly even openly, laughing) be like, oh man, do you really think you are allowed to fancy that person; no you're not because no one fancies you, certainly not that guy anyway.
I know that the basis of this belief of mine - that might even be a false one! how should I know? - has been laid when I was so young that the boys rejecting me were children, and that also I have changed drastically since those days. But despite all this, I'm struggling with this issue. I have to work hard every day in order to possibly at some point in the future be able to believe without a doubt, I am allowed, I am not unfit, I am not to be judged, and someone spectacular actually fancies me.
I feel like I could go on with this topic endlessly. Instead I'm going to turn the set upside down and get you involved:
Do you recognize yourself in this post? Do you identify? What have you done or what are you doing to recover?
Please feel free to open up in the comment box. Clear your minds. For I sincerely believe that if you think you're 'unfit to fancy anyone', then your thoughts must be erraneous and that with a sufficient (possibly seemingly overwhelming) amount of work you will be able to sort it out. And I want to help you with that, if ever possible.
(I'm Finnish, but suffer me for writing this in English, will ya.)
ReplyDeleteI have. I relate. Well, yes, a lot.
I was a bit different than other girls in grade school. I "developed" early, I was one of the tallest in class when I was only 11-12 years old - taller than most boys too. It was that time of childhood when everyone had crushes, the girls giggled around boys and gossips were spread madly. I remember being a part of this crush-thing too, but that was before starting to grow. When puberty began I felt out of place and physically weird compared to everybody. I don't know if others saw me that way, but to me it was hell. I was never popular but that time I got really insecure. In my eyes all the other girls were so small, cute and skinny, whereas I was huge and gaining weight in odd places. I saw myself as a whale, even though I was never even overweight.
Fortunately I didn't get bullied and survived eventually, but still a few evil comments about my looks that some boy once said have remained in my head until this day. I guess these things just stick in your mind? I can never get rid of them, although it's been ten years and today I'm pretty comfortable in my skin (at least compared to teen times). Those comments weren't even the most cruel but they were triggering: in junior high (13-15yrs) I went from the biggest to the smallest and the thinnest, victory. That tells you something.
Even today I weight a little less than I should. Sometimes I still see myself as a giant when I look at 14-year old girls, but then I mentally slap myself in the face and slowly realize that a twenty-something woman is NOT meant to look like a prepubescent child. For god's sake.
Back to the theme: it is hard to do something about a crush - heck, even admitting it - when one feels undesirable and unpretty. It doesn't matter if others claim it's not the fact and that I actually look nice. None of it matters because this self-hatred has been growing for a decade, damn it.
I'm not one to crave for compliments but my closest friends won't stop boosting my self-esteem. I'll never grow out of this shyness when it comes to anything regarding a relationship or crushes, but I try my best to forget myself for most of the time and concentrate on the person who I'm talking to, or people around me. Trying to get rid of this ego and just be, you know, relax. I'm glad if my looks are the reason someone hates me, far more serious would be to be hated for my personality.
Remember that the best thing in me and you is what makes us US. At least I think the most beautiful thing in a person is that he/she accepts him/herself. Gotta work on that.
In the end I'm sure you're actually pretty hot. Don't bring yourself down. :-)
Thank you for opening up! The thing is, we have different reasons to be unsure about ourselves, but in the end it's all the same. It's all right to be shy, yes, but I wish you'll find your self-esteem and someday be able to truly relax! You must be awesome and I'm sure people see you as such.
DeleteI feel like sharing. I hope I don't give you nightmares with this or something like that. Sorry if that happens!
ReplyDeleteI'm fat. There is no way to deny that, it is the truth. I'm also quite horrible person. Anyway, I did a test 'Would men fuck me?". I received approximately 100 messages saying yes from men aged 19 to 40. Most of them were under 35.
So yeah there are people who would have sex with me, but they all seemed to be crazy murderers. No joke. I don't know why I'm telling this, please ignore it.
To the point already:
I identify with your post. Yes I feel stupid even about fancying anyone, just like you wrote. Usually I would try to avoid this topic by laughing sarcastically and say "No one could like me", and that would make people so uncomfortable they would change the subject (or they think yes there isn't anyone for you, might be more accurate). Or I could act superpositive like umpa lumpa on ecstasy singing "There is hope and there is love for everyone, even me. One day my true love will find me". Some days I completely believe it, some days not. Maybe if I sing it enough times and click my running shoes heels it will become true? Hahah
I don't believe all those 100 guys can have been 'crazy murderers'. Some people that have that appearance when they're really shy and socially awkward...
DeleteNeither do I believe that singing happy songs will help at all. But it cannot do any harm, either, and I believe someone COULD like you, so why not imagine that person who would like you and imagine what that person would like about you and then try to learn to like yourself because of these great features? I guess there is someone waiting for you right now and when he/she finds you he/she'll think that you've definitely been worth the wait. So hold on to your dreams, hon!
Miia-kulta sähän oot päässy ongelman alkulähteille! See, oot normaali ja ihana ja ihana ihana! Kyllä sä opit! Rakkaudella SSiskosi joka osti sulle anti-stress teetä ja aikoo lähettää sen koska ajattelin että saatat tarvita sitä. Ja se tuoksuu hyvälle (mansikalle). Ikävä sua jo! <3
ReplyDeleteSun nopeudella se tee on täällä ehkä huhtikuussa. <3
DeleteThis post's comment box sounds like a therapist. It makes me feel quite normal.
ReplyDeleteI have incredibly low self-esteem. I don't really see myself as a pretty girl at all.
I have tiny breasts though I am slightly chubby and it bothers me a lot. My eyes and even my nose are too small and my teeth look like i have borrowed them from Count Dracula. On the other hand, my skin is in good condition and I have pretty ears and beautiful feet... but who really cares about something like that?
I think if your teeth condition was as bad as you tell you would have had them fixed as a child? Also, vampires are undeniably sexy, aren't they? :D
DeleteI think there must be many men who prefer good skin and beautiful feet to big breasts. (I would if I were a man.) Don't be too bothered about details. Someone will think you're the most beautiful person ever.
Be brave, be strong, be hopeful and be ambitious. Life is about knowing when to wait and when to act. All of you are beautiful as individuals and I'm sure someone out there is looking for exactly you. Screw what society says is beautiful and even at times what your mind says is beautiful. I would rather be with someone who loves me for who I am rather than what I look like. Just like all of you I have my reservations about my image but I will allow myself to like whoever I want and I will hope relentlessly that maybe just maybe that person will like me as well and if they don't I cannot fault them for being themselves. Get up and dance and laugh and always remember that winning someone's affection is not as important as you loving yourself. Ps I am a fat, closeted, gay virgin who hasn't so much as held someone's hand but I will hold out for the person who is going to love me and when the time is right I will find him. You girls go be fabulous.
ReplyDeleteAwesome! You rock, truly!
DeleteWhere are you? I'm missing your posts.
ReplyDeleteWell, physically, I'm in Wales.
DeleteHowever, mentally and as a blogger, I'm in a weird state of trying to figure out what to do with this blog while my desperation is slowly moving from present to history. Would you guys want me to write about these themes even if they were not as relevant to me myself any more, considering that I still feel like quite an expert on this shit? Or would you like to hear about how weird relationships can feel like? What do you want me to do?