During the holidays, I read The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling. In it, I did find this quote:
She had fancied Andrew Price once, before she realized that she was utterly unfit to fancy anyone; before she realized that she was laughable and strange.
This feeling is what I feel like I need to talk about.
It's most probably not something you feel occasionally, or something that comes and goes. It's something that you develop quite early on in your life and then carry around as an exhaustingly heavy piece of emotional baggage.
When I was a kid, I was no one's crush. I had crushes, and they laughed at me if they found out. This made me believe I was, well, 'unfit to fancy anyone -- laughable and strange'.
This is the most horrible thing one can believe: that you do not deserve love. God I wish I never got into this shit because I'll tell you, it's almost impossible to get out of that sea of despair after spending so many years on the edge of drowning, even if someone now throws a rope at you and screams, 'you're not laughable, and your strangeness is enchanting'.
I am a woman but I've never really thought that I could count as one in the eyes of others. Not only because I have these manly-kind-of-wide shoulders, hardly any bust and a Ridge Forrester typed chin. More like, I'm not a valid woman because I haven't been... validated by others' acceptance, I guess. Let's take an example. Every once in a while, my eyes come across articles that tell about studies of how often men think of sex or whether they imagine doing it with every woman they encounter. Each and every time I'm bound to think: yeah right, men think of having sex with every woman they meet, except me 'cause I don't count.
And not counting has always made it hard for me to for example tell my friends about my crushes. I just can't open up about a cute guy when I think everyone would (at least secretly in their minds but possibly even openly, laughing) be like, oh man, do you really think you are allowed to fancy that person; no you're not because no one fancies you, certainly not that guy anyway.
I know that the basis of this belief of mine - that might even be a false one! how should I know? - has been laid when I was so young that the boys rejecting me were children, and that also I have changed drastically since those days. But despite all this, I'm struggling with this issue. I have to work hard every day in order to possibly at some point in the future be able to believe without a doubt, I am allowed, I am not unfit, I am not to be judged, and someone spectacular actually fancies me.
I feel like I could go on with this topic endlessly. Instead I'm going to turn the set upside down and get you involved:
Do you recognize yourself in this post? Do you identify? What have you done or what are you doing to recover?
Please feel free to open up in the comment box. Clear your minds. For I sincerely believe that if you think you're 'unfit to fancy anyone', then your thoughts must be erraneous and that with a sufficient (possibly seemingly overwhelming) amount of work you will be able to sort it out. And I want to help you with that, if ever possible.
