Nostalgy and fear

http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2014/03/02#.UxSISPl_uxl

So I found this and thought this needs to go to this blog.

I used to be Elly Elephant and I was afraid that it'd never end. Now that I got those protecting arms and eyes to get lost in I'm afraid of him dying, 'cause basically, then I'd be Elly again except for the fact that the only one that I'd be happy with would be 100 % gone and I'd go to bed every night knowing that it'd never end. Knowing for sure would be so much worse than just high probabilities. So let's hope he won't die.

Acting childish

I'm having my period and it hurts and we went grocery shopping and I wanted to buy ice cream and he didn't let me. Even though I had a coin prepared for that exact purpose, which, to be fair, he wasn't and still isn't aware of.

And now I'm sad even though I know I'm not allowed to.

I know I can't always have what I want but why does it occasionally have to feel like I don't get anything that I want?

And yes there's a top 1 list of things I usually want and it's not ice cream. Can you guess what it is though?

Boundaries, bitch

When you spend much of your time with the same person, things happen. You get used to the ways you act around them. You speak with the inside jokes and the expressions that you use with those people.

Then, when you're in a relationship, suddenly the person who you spend your time with is no ordinary friend. It's someone who you're hanging out with in ways that you've never done with anyone. You go closer. You go much closer. It becomes standard procedure to stand really close to that person when your cooking or washing dishes, and when you're watching TV you crawl really close again. You're allowed to touch, and you feel like doing so too, so you touch their hair and caress their hands, stuff like that, it just happens. You get used to this way of human interaction.

However! Every once in a while it so happens that you need to meet other people. Hang out with friends, uh? Then you realize, and it's painful, that you cannot go as close as you naturally would. You realize just how used you are to being close to another human being. You need to remind yourself not to go so close. Keeping hands off their hair? Super hard. And I'll tell you, I had no urge to touch my friends when I didn't have a boyfriend. It's just... the way I roll, now, I guess.

So. Boundaries, bitch. That's what I tell myself.

Who knew...

On sleeping together

To get a good night's sleep was relatively easy when I was single.

I went to bed when I was feeling sleepy, slept until I woke up and had as much room as my bed allowed.

This does not apply to relationships. Every night you need to figure out whether to sleep next to each other, and if yes, at whose apartment.

My bed is extremely narrow so I cannot expect us to sleep at my place too often. When we do, it's entirely tiring. Practicality has overrun romance. Thus, I sleep at his place most of the time. Obviously, I also need to bring all my stuff for the next day. This forces me to make choices about what I want to wear the next day, what books to bring for breaks at school... all that stuff that is highly dependent on my mood and the weather. Well, it's been alright for now. In the winter, though - we'll see. I'll do it anyway.

I need room and sometimes I need to sleep alone and I know he does, too. I have problems admitting this to myself. Even if I actually deep down was in favor of being separated for a night I, on the outside, am a total cry bitch. Can't help it. It's weird.

Then again, when I was single I used to use a lot of my pre- and post-sleep time dreaming of having someone next to me. Now that time is replaced by it actually happening. Plus, if I don't feel like sleeping, I get to annoy him by constant chatter. And he's hilarious when he's asleep and talking.

BUT my decreased amount of thinking time is a concern. I used to do nothing and think a lot. Now I feel like I'm thinking less. Will I explode at some point? Will my brain stop functioning? Who knows?

Also, I know you were expecting to hear about sex when you spotted to title of this post. You did not. Sue me. (Don't, though.)

Leaking eyes

I've recently been reading, uh, the internet. Like, news and stuff. News about people dying in horrifying car accidents and trains crashing into walls. You know what I'm talking about. People die every day.

I'm human and I kind of feel sorry for all the people involved in each of these cases, but the biggest issue for me has become

FEAR.

I. Am. Paranoid. I hardly let my boyfriend go to work because I am terribly afraid that he won't return to me alive, ever again. I am severely afraid of losing him permanently.

When I was single, I was like, jeez I wouldn't like to die now. And that was it. But now my happiness depends on someone else than myself staying alive, and that's much harder to control, plus if I died I wouldn't care anymore because I'd be dead BUT if my darling one dies I will be left here to, well - probably die of sorrow. Or worse: not die but live to suffer for years to come.

How do people deal with this?

I feel like every moment spent apart from my loved one is a moment kind of wasted. Not that I didn't like hanging around alone. It's just that, should he die next week, I'd regret not spending all my time with him. I just want to hold him tight until we both are over a hundred years old and can simultaneously die and then, hopefully, go to heaven together. I want to get the most out of it now that I got something worthwhile.

Plus, if I ever make the mistake of listening to Goodbye My Lover by James Blunt, my eyes begin to leak rather badly. Now, for example. Guess I'm going grocery shopping with my face covered in the salty water that the sadness machine inside of my head produces. Won't bother putting on underwear, either. What's the point in life anyway.

Do as I say!!

"I was beginning to wonder when someone would have you!"
- my 10-year-old sister, innocently


No one would have me. I would have no one. I wanted a perfect match even though I was completely sure it could not exist.

Please do follow my lead. It will prove worth it. In the meantime, do cool stuff. Be the ultimate version of yourself. Basically, imagine what your life would look like if you had a relationship - how you would love yourself and look good and eat better and spend lazy afternoons listening to music and eating ice cream and somehow magically suddenly win at life. And then live that life. Well, not the relationship part yet. But it will come along.

Yeah I know, reality is the fucked-up version of what I just described. Those lazy afternoons might be spent eating a gallon of ice cream in one sitting, while hiding in your bed, crying your heart out. Been there, done that. If not literally that, at least something similar. I am more into Cheetos. But they are not as cool as ice cream, both streetwise and literally, so I made it sound more relatable by adding some B&J (not the blowjob kind).

However - try being happy. No amount of relationship life will heal you if you haven't started the process by yourself. Accept your life as it is. Face it. How could anything change if you are not fully aware of the current situation? OMG I am turning into Dr Phil.

I just woke up (had a nap from 8 to 9 pm) and it's goddamn hot in here (I strongly dislike summer) and I did not intend to blog today. This will hopefully explain the brevity and inconsistence of this blog post. Have a nice evening.

The Anatomy of a Kiss

It's weird, that thing people do with their lips. They take them close to each other's and then supposedly feel good about it. And magically ignore bad breath, feelings of suffocation and height difference related neck pain.

Kissing did not come naturally to me. It was not an instinct. When I realized the guy I was non-dating (see previous post) was going to kiss me I was terribly confused and basically just waited for it to happen so that it would be over for me to analyze.

See, my previous lip-on-lip experience had taken place years ago and been completely non-sexual in nature. So this was basically my first kiss, at the sweet age of 21.

It would be logical to have been taken by surprise by the situation but luckily enough, I was warned beforehand. This did not make me prepared enough to actually answer the kiss. I would rather just hang around like a dead something-that-is-dead.

Kissing is was so weird.
"Good weird or bad weird?"
"Just... weird."

At first, it tastes like cold lips and saliva. To those of you who have never experienced any kind of lip contact I would like to propose an experiment to demonstrate what it is like to an unaccustomed person.

1. Open your mouth.
2. All the while reflecting on what you are doing and sensing, slowly move your lower lip closer to your upper lip.
3. Press your lips together, feeling each one with the other.
4. That's about it.

As I am a classy lady, I kept asking questions like, "Aren't you bothered by the squelching?" (I sure were.) I can warmly recommend discussing everything even mildly related. Be stupid. Ask for and give instructions. More teeth? Less teeth? How could anyone guess these things? Talk. Constantly.

What am I trying to say, after all? 

Kissing is a craft that requires training to master.

Eventually, a kiss will begin to taste like please kiss me again.

That's where the fun begins... Go have it.

Rules to Dating

(first draft)

1. Do not date
2. If you disregard the rule above and date anyway, at least do not admit it to anyone
3. Especially not to yourself or to any common acquaintances of yours that happen to stumble upon you two in the middle of your non-date (instead ask them to join you for a drink)
4. If at a bar or coffee shop, it is fine to sit around for six hours spending 0,5€ (in total for you two)
5. If at your place, do not offer food or any beverages beyond the coffee or tea that you used to lure them into your apartment
6. If after several hours of applying rule five your date seems hungry, make it clear that you do not have any food in the fridge, then serve a chunk of cheese - it's not growing hair of its own, they are just imagining it, your cheese is always fresh and fine, darling, so watch them closely until they have eaten it all (any other leftovers from your fridge work just as fine, the cheese is purely an example)
7. There is no limit whatsoever to the distance you may expect them to go in order to date you; this applies both literally (hundreds of kilometres is basic if you have just started, thousands if it's been weeks already) and metaphorically (hanging out in 25 degrees below zero celsius for hours is no biggie)


I myself, naturally, never dated. See rule one for further reference.

(Okay, okay, see rule two.)

If there are any dating-related questions that have made your little minds twist and twirl in bewilderment, please let me know and I will be happy to post additional rules!

Okay okay here it comes

If you have been reading between the lines you might know why I have been so silent.

It's not like I was a lamb (now this must be the most terribly lame reference to popular culture ever). And it's not like I was wearing a gag for BDSM or other purposes.

It's, like, because I don't know what to say.

I have a solid reason to being puzzled. This reason is approximately 2500 to 3000 kilometres away from me and currently supposedly asleep.

Why don't I just spit it out, well, it's kind of a, well, boyfriend-kind of a reason.

I KNOW

WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK

I DON'T EVEN


But this is an old maid desperation blog, you say.

Well exactly. That is kind of problematic. Try to take it as 'encouraging', though, right? Yeah I know, if I were you I'd just want to punch me in the face. I remember a little too well the feeling when someone else got involved with someone and I was completely unable to be happy for them due to being too busy dwelling in my own miserability and all the hatred I bore towards those goddamn-fucking-cock-sucking-priviledged sons-and-daughters-of-bitches who, indeed, were basically ordinary people finding each other.

Well I don't think I'm that ordinary. I'm still a fuck up, no matter what.

So I guess this blog will turn into something like, oldmaidness and beyond. I'm trying to figure out a catchy name. Relationships puzzle me and I continue to be awkward so why not write about it, right? Also, if there is something, anything that you would like me to write about, please do contact me! I would be delighted!

Will you guys still read me?
Please do not feel like I betrayed you?
I feel like I betrayed you, though. And myself. And I'm scared as hell. I think that's makes a good starting point.

Over the next few weeks I'm kind of busy travelling but I will get back to you sooner or later, I promise.

I found an unpublished draft

I realized there is a post I haven't published, or not even fully written. A post that needs to be written and published in a blog like this, though. And here it comes.

During the holidays, I read The Casual Vacancy by J.K. Rowling. In it, I did find this quote:

She had fancied Andrew Price once, before she realized that she was utterly unfit to fancy anyone; before she realized that she was laughable and strange.

This feeling is what I feel like I need to talk about.

It's most probably not something you feel occasionally, or something that comes and goes. It's something that you develop quite early on in your life and then carry around as an exhaustingly heavy piece of emotional baggage.

When I was a kid, I was no one's crush. I had crushes, and they laughed at me if they found out. This made me believe I was, well, 'unfit to fancy anyone -- laughable and strange'.

This is the most horrible thing one can believe: that you do not deserve love. God I wish I never got into this shit because I'll tell you, it's almost impossible to get out of that sea of despair after spending so many years on the edge of drowning, even if someone now throws a rope at you and screams, 'you're not laughable, and your strangeness is enchanting'.

I am a woman but I've never really thought that I could count as one in the eyes of others. Not only because I have these manly-kind-of-wide shoulders, hardly any bust and a Ridge Forrester typed chin. More like, I'm not a valid woman because I haven't been... validated by others' acceptance, I guess. Let's take an example. Every once in a while, my eyes come across articles that tell about studies of how often men think of sex or whether they imagine doing it with every woman they encounter. Each and every time I'm bound to think: yeah right, men think of having sex with every woman they meet, except me 'cause I don't count.

And not counting has always made it hard for me to for example tell my friends about my crushes. I just can't open up about a cute guy when I think everyone would (at least secretly in their minds but possibly even openly, laughing) be like, oh man, do you really think you are allowed to fancy that person; no you're not because no one fancies you, certainly not that guy anyway.

I know that the basis of this belief of mine - that might even be a false one! how should I know? - has been laid when I was so young that the boys rejecting me were children, and that also I have changed drastically since those days. But despite all this, I'm struggling with this issue. I have to work hard every day in order to possibly at some point in the future be able to believe without a doubt, I am allowed, I am not unfit, I am not to be judged, and someone spectacular actually fancies me.

I feel like I could go on with this topic endlessly. Instead I'm going to turn the set upside down and get you involved:  

Do you recognize yourself in this post? Do you identify? What have you done or what are you doing to recover?

Please feel free to open up in the comment box. Clear your minds. For I sincerely believe that if you think you're 'unfit to fancy anyone', then your thoughts must be erraneous and that with a sufficient (possibly seemingly overwhelming) amount of work you will be able to sort it out. And I want to help you with that, if ever possible.